Quilt to my lou

Picture Courtesy of Me

This is what my quilt top looks like so far. I am working on the border right now and I hope to have a picture of the entire finished top ready to be assembled with backing by the end of next week. It is turning out so cute!I love the pinwheels, and I just checked out like 8 books on quilting to get ideas to justify my fabric expenditures last week.

Seagulls Overhead

Picture Courtesy of Me

It's not very often that you see a huge flock of seagulls flying over your house. It induces the anxiety that you might just get pooped on if you go outside. So after running to the car I took this picture of the ones that were taking a rest on the roof.

Shattered

I have not blogged in the past about my struggle with fertility. But I had one. I was in the evil conception/miscarriage/pregnancy loss/surgery/hormone therapy cycle for a good(see: bad or stress-filled) two years. I found out I was pregnant for the first time in early December of 2005. I was filled with excitement and could not wait to see the little one in my belly develop and grow and make me grow wide/bloated as he or she grew and eventualized out of my womb.

Of course I had anxiety of growing wider since I had been so successful at Weight Watchers, but all of that was overshadowed by the excitement of growing a little human. I finally felt what it was like to be pregnant, and although I felt REALLY pregnant I was loving it! I found out a short time later that my doctor in Texas was what he called "cautiously pessimistic" about the outcome of my pregnancy and would not give me anymore clarity than that and repeated ultrasounds to see how slow my babies heartbeat was. I could not stand the ambiguity any longer and I saw my regular OB in Utah when I went to visit. He confirmed that I would miscarry and that my baby had died at 8 weeks gestation. I valued the honesty and even though it hurt, it allowed me to plan and endure the wrestle with my emotions that was to come - after all I WAS pregnant, and I wasn't passing the tissue so maybe they were wrong! Maybe I was still going to have this beautiful baby that I had envisioned in my head. On February 21st, 2006 I miscarried and it was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. It was like labor without the result of a beautiful baby in your arms at the end, I guess it wasn't like it - it was it! I was told I had to wait 3 months to get pregnant again, even considering my Uterine Septum that was discovered during the first pregnancy. My Doctor in Utah advised against this and believed I should have surgery to correct the problem, but since I was not living in Utah and would not be under his care we followed the direction of our Doctor in Texas and tried to get pregnant again 3 months later.

I got pregnant that summer and again felt sick and very pregnant. I changed doctors because I was not comfortable with the treatment we received with the previous pregnancy. All seemed to be going well, I was growing a little baby inside me. I began to bleed at around 7 weeks and I was put on bed rest and what they call "pelvic rest" meaning Husband and I now had a purely platonic existence. Joy of joys, let me tell you! But I was ready to do whatever I had to do to protect our growing baby. The bleeding did not stop and I was sure at 12 weeks I had miscarried when I had what seemed like period bleeding, but when I went to the doctor there was our little baby on the ultrasound screen weathering the storm that was happening in my body. It seemed that there was a pocket of blood behind the placenta and that is what was causing the bleeding. It could potentially cause miscarriage because it is an abruption making it so the placenta does not function properly because it is not attached all the way.

Fear and panic overtook my existence. I had already experienced a miscarriage and I did not want to do it again. I remember calling my mom and sobbing hysterically into the phone, "Why me?! Why do I have to go through this again!" But I was reassured by my doctor that the baby was fine and we were sent to a fetal specialist to have ultrasounds every week. At 14 weeks we found out that we were having a little boy, it was abundantly clear! He was moving around and kicking and comfortably swimming in my belly. We left the doctors office with orders that we could discontinue seeing the specialist and just go with our normal doctor. The baby looked good and we happily went on our way with a video of our little one.

At my next appointment I was 16 weeks and was giddily anticipating hearing my babies heartbeat again. I lay on the exam table as my doctor gelled my stomach and placed the monitor to hear the heartbeat. She laughed a little nervously and asked if he might be hiding. But her expression was stern and there was no reassurance in it. She calmly told me that we should do an ultrasound to see if we could find out if he was turned so we couldn't hear his heartbeat. And so we both quickly went to the Ultrasound room and I sat there panicked and overwhelmed to the point that I wanted to throw up. As she sat down and placed the ultrasound wand to my stomach her face fell and she announced, "It's what I thought, your baby died." She then proceeded to show me how his tiny fragile body had no life and was collapsed at the bottom of my uterus. And I held it together until I had to speak. Husband had gone to school that day because it was supposed to be a run of the mill appointment. Now I had to call him and tell him we no longer had a baby. I dialed him on my cell phone and when he picked up I broke into a thousand pieces and could not form coherent sentences amongst my hiccuped sobs. It was a Friday morning and I was going to have to wait until Monday to be put into labor and deliver our baby, it would be September 11, 2006.

My mother flew in and stayed with us and cared for me when I returned home from the hospital. Husband was very understanding and helpful and we started going to therapy together to deal with my postpartum depression and anger. And I scheduled surgery to remove my uterine septum that Christmas while I was in Utah.

I successfully had surgery and waited three months after to try and get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant again on July 17, 2007 and I was ecstatic and panic stricken, after all, what if it happened again. I had now suffered a miscarriage and a pregnancy loss during which I could have chosen to name and bury my baby and it had torn me apart. I moved to Utah weeks later and was under the care of my regular and trusted OB. And despite bleeding for weeks and many scares I gave birth in March of 2008 to a beautiful baby boy who stole my heart!

I know this a long look into what I have experienced, but I hope that as it has helped me to know that others have experienced this, I can help others by sharing my experience. As I look forward to having more children, it still scares the pants off me! That "What if?" is always hanging around and the memories of what I have experienced come back anew when I begin to think of pregnancy and all the joy and sorrow it can bring.

Stayed

Picture Courtesy of Me

Today marked a very important moment for me. I have in the past made it known that I am not the "stay-at-home" kind. I am to obsessive and social, and I love to go and do fun things. I found it hard to calm the urge to go, go, go when Little was born and therefor I spent the first 9 months of his life traveling everyday to the nearby city where my parents and siblings live and wandering from house to house visiting and inhabiting their homes. I enjoyed this time with my sisters and parents and found that I was building relationships with them that had dwindled since I'd been married and moved away for two years and it was a nice feeling to have that closeness.

As Little grew bigger it became harder to relax in those moments and carting him around at a near 20 lbs. in a carseat became a drag (literally). Little was more active, invasive, and downright curious about everything and it was becoming easier to have him at home in the evening with his own toys and his comfortable surroundings and the two people who love him most. I decided that I would try a little experiment and see how I liked being a "stay-at-home" gal. Especially after I talked to one of the husbands good friends, who is my inherited good friend and it seemed as though we had so much in common and she still liked to stay home and care for her little girl. So I thought, "Heck, why not me?!" and I gave it a whirl. I started to stay home 2 days a week.

The first day was wonderful, Little and I slept in and I got up and cleaned the house and the Husband was shocked at the beauty of his home when he returned that evening. It was a nice feeling. The second night was a late night at school for the Husband, and by the time he returned I was all tuckered out and Little'd out for that matter. I wondered if this was the path for me, maybe noone would ever understand the solitude and quiet that I did not desire and the adult interaction that I craved. The funny thing was, when I went "into town" the next time, it held less appeal. I could feel the irritation rising that I was not at my own house with my own Little, and all the things that make him happy and comfortable.

I am now making the choice to stay at home 3 days a week and if I can make that more frequent I am happy to. I still travel in to see my family 2 days a week at least and I have my gym membership and weight watchers. So I am there frequently, but not yearning and craving it like I used to.

So today I made the choice that when Little fell asleep on my chest, at 12 months old, a rarety in any case, to put aside my tasks that I had set out for myself and let my son sleep on me for nearly 2 hours. It was BLISS! I miss those moments when I got to hold him as he slept deeply and sweetly for hours and needed me and cuddled. He is turning into a little rough and tumble boy and I stole a moment (a long moment) to be with my little one and savor the sweetness of infancy that will never return as he grows older.

When he woke up I took him to the park and we sat on a swing together and showed him how it worked and then I took him down the slide and played with him on the playground. I appreciate every stage he goes through, and savor every moment. And now I can say "I so AM the "stay-at-home" kind of girl."

You Quilt My Heart

I am attempting to make a quilt top as a "small" project. For some reason I always tackle things head on with a not so easy project when starting a new hobby. I tried to make a patchwork quilt when I was in highschool but in the end my mom took the work I had done and turned it into a beautiful wedding present for me and to this day it is one of my most favorite things ever! She even put pico's on the edge and they remind me of my favorite baby blanket of yore and therefore bring comfort and fond memories.

So I decided to make a quilt from fabric that I already had on hand and sorted through my stash. I ended up wanting to add a hot pink that I didn't have and so I spent 5$ on remnant fabric at Joann's and then cut out 4" squares of all the fabrics with my rotary cutter and mat.

I decided to make a pinwheel quilt and began a'sewin my squares and cutting them in half diagonally and then ironing the seams on the back and then sewing them together (4 squares to one pinwheel) and ironing 2 more times. So far I have all my pinwheels sewn together and ironed and cut back down to a regulation size - 6 inches. None of this would be doable without my olfa cutter and mat - it is a godsend that I recieved on my most recent birthday because my mom and my sisters know just how much I love to craft and sew and how much I was coveting one of these!

I am making progress on this lovely quilt o'mine and hope to show you results after I get some help from my mom laying out a good pattern of the different pinwheels. Let me tell you, this quilt is my outlet for all the crazy girliness inside of me that is stored away because I have a son that cannot wear pink with black and white polkadots, so I have thus channeled every inch of girl I possess in the adornment department and put together what I consider to be my most favorite self-made possible blanket EVER!(possible blanket because after finishing the quilt top, I still have to get backing and batting and then actually quilt it and add that forever-loved pico edge, before it is an actual blanket).

AAAAAAArgh!

I'm sure you know what it feels like to have everything concrete in your life, things you've been planning and working on ripped from your grasp. Well, my laptop crashed and everything, including my valentine week posts were there with pictures and everything ready to be put on the blog and my motherboard died. So now I am in search of the perfect solution, which does not include fixing said motherboard because I got the computer for free and it has already crashed twice and sucked too much money down the drain. So the search begins and frustration ensues! Ce La Vie! Hopefully we'll get our hard drive memory retrieved in the next little while and I can put up all the things I was working on.

Meanwhile, we are having fun at my house playing with our camera and deciding just how photography obsessed we should let ourselves be. What is happening at your house this week?

Valentines Babysitting Week - Day 1

I inherited 3 children last night. So for the week I will be a mother of four insanely rambunctious children that love to squeal, laugh and entertain eachother. I am trying to do a fun activity everyday and today was Valentines Goody Bag Day.

The parent belonging to the children I inherited, provided the goods for the bags and we put them all together. The girls enjoyed doing something unique for Valentines Day to give to their friends. Tomorrow we will be finishing their boxes to take to school and my Cricut will be put to good use.